


That's How Roman Worked

by screamingstrawberry



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: this is a vent piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 20:14:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14626224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screamingstrawberry/pseuds/screamingstrawberry
Summary: Logan got to see his face, and even in the midst of Patton holding him so tightly and Virgil trying to tell him it’d be okay, he could see Roman’s eyes distancing himself from what was happening. He knew that in the morning, Roman would blow it off like nothing had happened. And while everyone would still be mad, Logan knew Roman would forgive him and they’d move on. That’s just how Roman worked.





	That's How Roman Worked

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this over a weekend that got really rough. In this situation, I'm Roman. After not getting a positon as an RA, failing a big assignment, not doing well in a writing contest, and fighting with my best friend, I needed an outlet. Figured parts were decently written to post.

“But I-I” Roman winced as he messed up another line, pressing his fingertips hard against his closed eyelids. He wasn’t sure exactly why the movement soothed him so, but it did. Taking a deep breath, letting in the air of the empty theater around him, he followed the train of thought anyway. It wasn’t like he was rehearsing with anyone, so the momentary distraction would only hinder himself. 

Closing his eyes helped Roman focus on the lines of dialogue he needed to remember, almost like he was trying to recall the sight of the script before him. Prodding his own fingers into his closed eyelids was more of a therapeutic thing, the small sting providing minimal comfort to his foul mood while at the same he was able to use the arch of his fingertips to push back the tears that had settled at the bottom of his eyes.

The sight probably looked pathetic to whoever it was that had just opened a door, Roman thought to himself loosely as he turned to the right side of the stage, avoiding their gaze as he tried to collect himself. 

“But I just don’t know why it wasn’t me?” Roman crossed to center stage, holding his arm out, letting the unforgiving stage lights bask the white fabric in harsh blues and reds. He still would not face the audience, to him, he was speaking to the back wall, that’s where his stance was. 

“I don’t-” He paused, the monologue disappearing from the top of his tongue again. The frustration replacing it as the feeling seeped into his veins and coiled it’s way around the tubes of Roman’s heart. The hand that wasn’t pointed towards the wings gripped the middle of his own tshirt tightly, holding back the feeling, trying desperately to keep in inside him and not let it intercede the flow of his work. His passion, and the only thing keeping him from breaking at the edges. 

He took a deep breath, waiting to see if the lines would come back to him. One of the chairs in the audience squeaked, almost breaking his focus, with the sound of someone sitting down. The movement from the audience felt more familiar yet more worrisome, like someone was trying to hide behind a façade. The anxious shy click of a pen was accompanied by the ricket of a nervous leg banging against the seat next to them, and while both actions seemed to be customary of him, Roman knew it wasn’t Virgil. It wasn’t Patton either, because there was always that small amazed sound both would make whenever they watched Roman perform. There was only one of them that was ever silent upon entering a theater. 

Roman turned around, his eyes still closed but he could see the brightness of the stage lights hitting his front angle as he spoke. He imagined the other person’s lines, let the unspoken words reflect off him, taking them in. Letting venom, brewed by his ache and pain, seep into his words. “You think this about our fight?” 

There was a small cough and Roman knew where he was sitting now and he knew he was listening for once, but yet he still refused to open his eyes. “You think this about how your harsh words tore at my skin like claws, how you think that just because you’re smarter than me that you have some god forsaken right to be cruel.” 

“Roman.” The voice was soft, softer than Roman’s ever heard it and he almost opened his eyes, but that would mean defeat. He would not give up this time, he would make him listen. 

“Not everything’s about you.” Roman’s never been cruel. He could be hurtful, he knew that from the years of teasing Virgil he’s trying desperately to take back but never cruel. His heart was too big for that. And yet Roman wanted to be, he wanted to bite back and tear him down like that smartass had done to him, and yet he couldn’t. 

“Roman, you’re upsetting yourself.” Roman knew in this moment, opening his eyes would not be his downfall, because as he did he won. He let the light hit his eyes, light brown with bits of gold in them, and he met the gaze of wet, blue ones. 

“You don’t deserve me.” Roman spoke from the heart, something everyone wants to see as a director but never wants an actor to do. “I’m smarter than you think. Broken, sure, but not dumb. I won’t let you play me into some clueless fool who only thinks about you.” 

“Ro-” His interjection wasn’t even one at that point. 

“Why couldn’t it have been me?” Roman didn’t know if his other knew where the scene was going, but he had to take it down this road or he might never drive again. “Why couldn’t  _ I _ have had the twinkle in the sea of faces that distracted  _ you _ ? Why couldn’t  _ I _ have been the oblivious angel basking in the light while  _ you _ kept  _ my _ shadow warm?”

His other said nothing. Silence, but a look of understanding crossed his face. 

“Why don’t you love me?” Roman took himself out of the scene, finished the monologue, let the tears fall as well as his open arm. The exposed part of his wrist knocking against the metal on the side of his waistband as his arm fell flat against his side, his hair managing to stay perfectly put as his head fell too, right into his own chest. 

He didn’t have the energy to cover his face with his hands, or keep his legs up, so he collapsed to the floor. Let worried footsteps fade until he could only hear the sound of months of pent up aggression release in wrecked sobs against the emptiness of the theater. He registered a warmth next to him, and he backed away from it. He slid against the floor of the stage until his back hit the front of a set piece and he spoke the tiniest of whines at the pain that hit his spine. But still, the warmth persisted, getting closer to him until he felt it in the form of a burning hand on his shoulder. 

“Please.” Roman didn’t know what he wanted to say.  _ Please leave _ ,  _ please don’t go _ ,  _ please help _ . 

“Are you alright?” His voice wasn’t cool, it wasn’t stoic and intellectual sounding. It wasn’t him, it didn’t fit him, he sounded on the verge of tears. 

“God, no.” He bit back, but the sarcasm took the last of his energy with it as it shot at the other man. His head fell slowly, and Roman didn’t even get the chance to feel the cool, clammy, ground against his skin because fabric intercepted him. The denim of his other’s jeans pressing hard against his cheekbone, fighting against all the hard work he’s put in to keeping his tears from falling. 

Now that he was out of character, that he was just Roman, laying on the ground of the empty theater with his head resting on his friend’s knee, he tried to open his eyes. Tried to see anything past  _ C-, 12th place, cannot offer you a position, Logan’s sad smile that Roman didn’t want to know as well as he did.  _

A pain stole the warmth from him again, forced tears out of his dried out brown eyes, and pushed his head further into the skin of his friend’s knee. There was hand somewhere on the small of his back, trying to soothe him. He tried to speak, tried to explain because that’s what Logan liked, he liked reasoning. However all that came out was a dry, pained, sob from somewhere deep in the middle of Roman’s chest that this ignorant bliss that he’s been swimming around in lately just couldn’t reach. 

“Everything is going to be alright.” Logan tried, oh how he tried and some small part of Roman’s brain appreciated him for that. But an even bigger part, an angry part that was furious at the universe for breaking Roman down to this, yelled at him. 

“For you. Meanwhile I’m going to fail. Just like I did with my play, just like-” Roman’s voice hiccupped, fantastic now he couldn’t even speak. “-everything. And now, Acting, the one thing I thought I was good at. The only thing I have left to be good at Logan.” 

“I guess” Roman continued, even though he didn’t want to. “That’s all I’m good for, failing.” 

“Roman, that is not true.” Logan’s arms squeezed a little tighter, the sound of his voice was a little louder, all too much as Roman used his hands to push off Logan’s chest with sudden energy. 

“Just, stop.” He bit back with a ice that he previously thought he was incapable of. Teasing nicknames that sometimes others took too harsh, sure, but never an actual anger. He shuffled away on the floor, but Logan stood, towering over him even when they were both standing but now it was made so much worse. Roman felt small, miniscule.

“No, I will not. Roman, you’re incredibly talented at many things. Per usual you are just-” Logan shook head, stopping himself despite his own frustration laced in his words and scattered over the lines of his face. 

“Say it.” He stood up this time, face to face. Well face to neck, but he glared up at Logan watching as a battlefield happened on his face. Roman knew he wanted to say it, it was all anyone said anymore, he knew what they meant by it too.

“You’re being overdramatic.” Logan had his eyes closed. Roman wanted to yell, to hit, to turn around and run away, but he just stood there. Crying while Logan kept his eyes closed but continued talking. “You know you are I haven’t seen you in days. And all of some crush-”

“Some crush?” Roman whispered. 

“I can’t not deal with you. You’re making a big deal out of noth-” At the sound of a door opening, Logan opened his eyes and was faced with a glazed over look in Roman’s eyes, as the tear tracks started to make his face itchy, but Roman couldn’t move, he was frozen. Frozen in place, because underneath the tears, he was enraged. 

“It wasn’t nothing to me.” Roman’s voice was higher and it cracked and the sound made Logan wince. Roma was done with his high horse attitude, he knew everything. He could fix everything. No one else had to deal with the shit that  _ Logan  _ had to deal with. 

And before Logan could reply, before he could even try, they heard the hissed sound of Patton’s voice from the second row of seats. Neither was paying attention but they were sure that Virgil was there too. “What did you do, Logan?” 

Logan heard the sound of loud footsteps and assumed they were stomping up the steps but when he turned around to try and explain himself, they were climbing up the front of the stage right in front of him. The only way anyone was able to tell Patton from Logan, was the man’s emotions displayed on his face in moments like these. Virgil looked quite emotional as well, his eyeliner had always been waterproof, but even still, Logan could see tears.

They’d even brought Dolos. 

Logan couldn’t stand him, constantly fibbing and coming up with ridiculous explanations for the concepts he couldn’t understand. But the others liked him, he was nice even when he was being mean, and Logan’s brother insisted that everyone needed love, even those that couldn’t love themselves. Dolos’ natural bouncy attitude was still in step but as he hopped over to pull Roman into his arms, he held none of his usual giddiness. 

“You asshole.” Virgil spat at him. That wasn’t exactly fair. Logan had barely even said anything yet, it was Roman’s own emotional rampage and instability- 

Pain. He felt pain. He blinked his eyes, pulled himself out of his thoughts only to see Patton with his hand raised. Everyone was watching him, and as Logan sputtered out what he intended to be an explanation, it only came out as stuttered and broken words.

“How dare you say that?” Patton didn’t do anger, Logan had known that his entire life, he was his brother after all. He more often than not cried when he was fighting with someone, it proved that he cared about whoever he was fighting with. There were no tears in sight.

Logan had said that last bit out loud. 

He looked toward Roman, he was shaking now, holding onto Dolos like he couldn’t hold himself up. Dolos pushed his face into his chest, and used one of his arms to hold Virgil back. Virgil looked chaotic.

“I didn’t even do anything.” Logan knew he sounded childish. He was immature, it was a quality he couldn’t stand about himself and often tried very hard to work against and outwardly fought against in others. “It’s not my fault he’s being childish.” 

They didn’t say anything, the three turned to Roman to assure him not to listen to him. Other than immaturity, Logan despised being ignored.

“So you’re all just going to baby him? He kept this from me for months, for almost as long as we’ve known each other, and I tried to let him down easy, and I’m the one to blame?” They had to imagine in this moment how Logan felt, everyone else being in on something and him having to watch as they whispered back and forth to each other. Each time, Roman, his best friend, looking more upset than before they’d whispered to him. It, well for lack of a better word, hurt. 

“Logan, this isn’t about your feelings right now.” Dolos let Patton take over comforting Roman. He would try to deter the conversation, Dolos hated conflict more than Roman did most days, but Logan wasn’t backing down. Dolos reached out to but a hand on his shoulder, but Logan threw himself back so hard he almost fell. 

“Don’t touch me.” 

“Leave.” Dolos replied.

“Fine.” Roman finally looked at him. Logan got to see his face, and even in the midst of Patton holding him so tightly and Virgil trying to tell him it’d be okay, he could see Roman’s eyes distancing himself from what was happening. He knew that in the morning, Roman would blow it off like nothing had happened. And while everyone would still be mad, Logan knew Roman would forgive him and they’d move on. That’s just how Roman worked. 

 


End file.
